I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
