I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
