the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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