i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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