he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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