I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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