Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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