i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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