I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
