No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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