you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
