I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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