I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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