how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Dick very happy bro
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
