If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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