i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
