woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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