I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
