i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
