Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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