I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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