if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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