I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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