no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
