we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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