Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
