as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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