Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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