dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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