I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
