***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
40s are totally the cure
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
