I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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