i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
