I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
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