I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
