Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
