someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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