can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
