So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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