whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
