so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
