I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
