I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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