I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
