I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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