She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
She even gives head with a lisp.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
