yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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