I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You pole danced in your parka.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
