they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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