yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
