This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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