Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
