Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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