One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
