just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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