Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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