Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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