The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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